Chai Patched

I walk into the bathroom to see Chai checking himself out in his new vest.  I have to hide a sigh.  He looks great in his vest; hell he looks great in anything.  I walk up quietly behind him and wrap him in a hug, resting my head on his shoulder, starring back at him though the mirror.  He smiles at me when I do this and I smile back.  I cannot believe he got patched.  I'm torn in two.  Part of me is happy that he got patched in, but another part of me is jealous.  When I stop to think about it, I keep asking myself, who would patch in a bartender?  I don't help clean up messes like Johny, nor do I sell guns to the RnR like Remy, I don't blow stuff up or was an ex-cop like Kaz.  I'm none of these things, hell I'm never around when shit goes down and even if I am, I'm injured or healing.  I'm just a kid that's scared from his past, a kid who has demons running around in his mind, a kid who's just a fucking bartender.  No one special, no one epic.  Nothing.  Now with taking care of the twins? Forget it; I'll always remain a prospect.

"What are you thinking of, love?" he asks me softly.  I shake my head and kiss his neck.



Patched?  I got patched?  Me, little old Chai, the jokester?  I still can't believe it, even standing here, staring at myself in the mirror.  I think I might have to pinch myself.  I see Micah coming into the bathroom behind me, from his reflection in the mirror.  He wraps his arms around me, and lays his head on my shoulder.  Hmmm… I love when he does that.  I smile at him, and he smiles back.  He looks so proud of me.  But I know him too well... there's always something going on in that head of his.  "What are you thinking of, love?" I ask him.  He just shakes his head and kisses my neck.  I grab one of his hands, kissing the top of it, and he smiles.  What did I even do to deserve this?  Hell, what did I even do to be accepted as a prospect to begin with?  And now I'm a full-fledged, official member.  What a ride.  Wouldn't trade it for anything, though.  After all, "United we stand, Divided we stand, Nobody falls," right?


I look at Chai in the mirror again and see how excited and happy he is.  This only makes me feel like a jerk.  I sigh.

'What am I thinking of?' I'm thinking of how I'll always be at the bottom of the RnR, always a prospect… even more now with the twins.  

"Demons," is all I say.  I know that's not true, but to tell him everything I'm thinking of?  I hate to lie to him, but I don't want to tell him what's really bugging me, because he hates it when I'm hard on myself.  I cannot tell him that I'm swamped with drawings that I need to get done for people who requested them, and that I think all the ones I did so far are crap.  Cannot tell him that I'm worried that I'm failing as a father, or that I'm worried about the twins.  Cannot tell him that Dylan not talking much and the fact that it seems hard for him to trust people is bothering me… hell even I have issues with that one.  Cannot tell him that it bugs me that I've passed all the bad qualities I have on to Derek or Dylan.  I cannot tell him the real reason I cannot sleep at night.  No it's best if he thinks it's the demons causing all this, even though I still think something major is about to happen.  I just don't know what.  He doesn't need to worry about that.  No one does but me.

"Demons," comes Micah's answer.  It worries me.  He's been saying that a lot lately, and talking about something big happening.  I'm torn… so happy and dumbfounded by the news of being patched, but at the same time, I feel bad for him, I guess.  I know he's proud of me, but I can see the other look in his eyes.  The look that says, 'why can't that be me?'  He tries, I know he does, but with the abuse and torture in his past, it's hard for him to trust people.  Hard for him to come out of that shell and let others see the real him.  

Micah reaches up and traces his fingers along the stitching of my vest then trails them down my arm and to the ring on my middle finger.  He twirls it on my finger for a bit, staring at it.  I wish I knew what he was really thinking.  Maybe soon, but for now, all I want to do is celebrate being patched.  And for that, I think we need to get the fuck out of this bathroom.